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 Post subject: [I LOL'D] King: “Let’s get serious about the Dark Lord.” Her
PostPosted: Fri Nov 30, 2012 4:37 pm 
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A story from 2ch. RPGs are all about numbers, right?
Spoiler:
#OP
King: “First off, here’s one billion G in war funds.” *thunk*
Hero: “Huh?”
King: “I’ve already got a party ready for you. Head for Patty’s Pub.”
Hero: “Huh?”
King: “A fleet of ten ships, too. They’re armed with the best stuff I could get my hands on.”
Hero: “Huh?”
King: “You can count on our support all the way. Now go forth, hero!”
Hero: “Understood. Uh, well, I’m off!”

#OP
— Patty’s Pub

Patty: “Hey there! I heard from the king!”
Hero: “So, where’s my crew…?”
Sage: “Nice to meet you, Hero. I am Sage.”
Hero: “Hi there. Er… Are you the only one?”
Sage: “The only one here, yes.”
Hero: “So it’s just us together, huh…”
Sage: “Not exactly. The rest are all standing by outside.”
Patty: “Sorry my pub ain’t up to snuff!”
Hero: “Huh?”
Sage: “Yes, they could not possibly all fit in here.”
Hero: “Huh?”

#OP
— Castle Town Plaza

Hero: “Yikes!”
Sage: “We have here 2500 warriors.”
Warrior: “Best of luck, Sir Hero!” (x2500)
Sage: “As well as 2000 martial artists.”
Martial Artist: “Hiya!” (x2000)
Sage: “1500 merchants…”
Merchant: “Good getting to know you!” (x1500)
Sage: “And 500 thieves.”
Thief: “…..” (x500)
Sage: “These amount to 6500 fighters in all.”
Hero: “That’s… certainly something…”

#OP
Sage: “Moving on. Here we have 1500 mages.”
Mages: “Heeheehee… Nice to meet you!” (x1500)
Sage: “1500 clerics.”
Cleric: “H-Hello there!” (x1500)
Sage: “And 500 sages. Er, excluding myself.”
Sage: “I look forward to getting on with you!” (x500)
Sage: “Those add up to 3500.”
Hero: “Wow…”
Sage: “Adding you and I, it is two on top of an army of 10,000.”
Hero: “What is going on…”
Sage: “Incidentally, being that we have plenty of sages, there are no gadabouts.”
Hero: “The king’s serious as hell!”

#OP
Hero: “I guess we should get going!”
Sage: “Allow me to be your assistant on this quest.”
Hero: “Thanks.”
Sage: “So, shall we take the land route? Or go by sea first?”
Hero: “Oh, right, we already have ships… But still, let’s go by land.”
Sage: “Do note we’ve been able to secure four towns as bases…”
Hero: “But everyone’s still Level 1, right?”
Sage: “We can compensate for that with numbers.”
Hero: “But won’t lots of people die?”
Sage: “It’s possible.”
Hero: “Then no way. What’s the point of beating the Dark Lord if nobody’s around to enjoy the peace?”
Sage: “I believe the scales will fall from even your eyes, Hero. At any rate, let us head for the nearest town.”
Hero: “That’s how it’s usually done, yeah…”

#2ch
If this is Dragon Quest III, that means the experience is divided…

Gulp.

#OP
— Overworld

*STOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMP…*
Hero: “It’s like an army marching.”
Sage: “With 10,000 members, it may as well be.”
Hero: “Isn’t that a little too many?”
Sage: “Many can be seen as the accumulation of few.”
Hero: “But what if we… I dunno, forget something? We can’t just head back.”
Sage: “Can we not use a Chimaera Wing?”
Hero: “Will that send all 10,000 of us?”
Sage: “It may be possible.”
Hero: “That’s not inspiring…”
Sage: “It is your right to decide what to use, Hero.”
Hero: “And I’m not using one unless I have to!”

#OP
A pack of monsters appeared!

Sage: “Hero, monsters have appeared. A Slime and a Stumpkin.”
Hero: “Alright, the first battle!”

> Fight *beep!*

Warrior: “This is what I was waiting for!” Martial Artist: “Time to show my stuff!” Mage: “The battle begins!”

“Warrior’s attack! “Martial Artist’s attack! “Warrior’s attack” Mage cast Frizz “Warrior’s attack
“Martial Artist’s att “Warrior’s “Dealt 87 points of “Merchant’s attack “Sage cast Fr
“Thief’s attack “A satisfying blow “Warrior’s attack! “58 points of damage” of damage” “Warrior’s

The pack of monsters was defeated!

Hero: “Stop, stop, STOP! The battle’s over already!!”
Hero: “Just awful… Any monsters we meet are just going to be sandbags for us.”
Sage: “That battle earned each member some experience.”
Hero: “I see…”
Sage: “As well as amassing a total of 1008 G.”
Hero: “Good for the merchants, but I’ve already got a billion.”

#OP
Hero: “Say, it seems everyone is rather well-equipped…”
Sage: “Thanks to the king’s support. It may be quite some time until we find anything better for them, in fact.”
Hero: “How good are we talking?”
Sage: “The warriors’ weapons would be able to slay a Metal Slime in one blow.”
Hero: “We have thousands of guys who can do that at Level 1?”
Sage: “Indeed.”
Hero: “Couldn’t we beat the Dark Lord at this point?”
Sage: “You are the only one who can confront the Dark Lord.”
Hero: “I thought that was what this army was for…”
Sage: “The legendary equipment will be necessary.”
Hero: “What’s that?”
Sage: “We already possess intel on it from the thieves. They’ve secured info on treasure chests worldwide.”
Hero: “This isn’t much of an adventure, is it…”

#OP
— First Town

Hero: “Here we are!”
Sage: “Now, we must set up camp on the outskirts of town.”
Hero: “That’s what I was expecting…”
Sage: “We and the leaders of each faction will go into town and stay at the inn.”
Hero: “They have leaders…? At Level 1?”
Sage: “I decided them myself, primarily at random. But it was especially tough making a choice with the warriors and martial artists.”
Hero: “Did they fight over it?”
Sage: “Indeed, their quarreling was unending.”
Hero: “Sounds like lots of trouble for only being the first day…”
Sage: “However, they all said they would follow their Hero.”
Hero: “Huh?”
Sage: “They were greatly in favor of your “everyone comes home” policy. Is it not impressive how not one was opposed to it?”
Hero: “There are so many of them, it’s not like I’d be offended if a few were…”

#OP
— Searching the Town

Hero: “All these townspeople sure are surprised… unsurprisingly.”
Sage: “Rumor is spreading that the king is building up an army to combat the Dark Lord.”
Hero: “You say that as if the rumor isn’t true…”
Sage: “The reason we’ve stopped in this town is merely so you can talk to the mayor.”
Hero: “Just that? Sheesh. What about information gathering?”
Sage: “We have thieves.”
Hero: “Stocking up on items?”
Sage: “Our supplies from the king will not soon be exhausted. In the unlikely event they are, we have merchants.”
Hero: “So all that’s left is progressing the plot?”
Sage: “Indeed so.”
Hero: “We came to this town just for that?”
Sage: “Well. Yes.”

#OP
— Mayor’s Home

Mayor: “Forgive me, Hero, I thought I had paid the king enough!”
Hero: “What’s with the sudden excuse…?”
Mayor: “Er… Just what is that army for?”
Hero: “We’re off to defeat the Dark Lord.”
Mayor: “Oh, is that it! Whew, that’s a relief…”
Hero: “Um, is there anything you want from me?”
Mayor: “Sorry to ask this, but if you could just withdraw from the town…”
Hero: “I mean besides that.”
Mayor: “If you could just exterminate the monsters nesting in the north cave…”
Hero: “Not even a problem.”
Mayor: “Is that right? I wish you luck, then.”
Hero: “Er… right. Sorry for the trouble.”

#OP
Sage: “How did it go?”
Hero: “He said to exterminate some monsters nesting in the north cave.”
Sage: “As I predicted, so I have already drawn up a plan. What do you say?”
Hero: “It’s getting dark, so let’s leave it to tomorrow morning.”
Sage: “We can no doubt execute it within the day…”
Hero: “Hmm… Nah.”
Sage: “Understood. I’ll let everyone know.”
Hero: “You’re really outstanding, you know that?”
Sage: “Please, I’m not worthy of the compliment.”
Hero: “You’d make a great politician.”
Sage: “Knowing the spells I do, I feel battle will always be my main occupation.”
Hero: “You could always switch…”

#OP
— Town Inn

Innkeeper: “Eek…”

Hero: “Now that all the leaders are gathered, give your reports for the day.”
Warrior: “Petitions have been made for a ban on romance among soldiers!”
Martial Artist: “We wish to fight more monsters!”
Merchant: “We’re making a profit.”
Thief: “Let us get some sleep already!”
Mage: “The warriors and martial artists are super annoying!”
Cleric: “We need more time for prayer!”
Sage: “Everything should be left to the Hero!”

Hero: “How am I supposed to handle all that…? Can I trust you to do it, Sage?”
Sage: “Certainly.”
Hero: “Boy, questing is tough…”

#OP
— Morning

Hero: “Morning.”
Sage: “Good morning.”
Hero: “So, off to the north cave?”
Sage: “Wait, please. I have yet to receive confirmation that all the warriors and martial artists are awake.”
Hero: “Man, there’s no need to force them up! Just let them sleep!”
Sage: “And break regulations?”
Hero: “We’re already way past the hero having an orderly party behind him…”
Sage: “Ah, here we are. The late sleepers are to be punished with a Frizz-ing.”
Hero: “Don’t do that!”
Sage: “Now then, how shall we tackle the cave?”
Hero: “I feel like the town’s really… well, bothered, so I just want it done soon.”
Sage: “Brilliant, Hero. Always brimming with desire to exterminate heinous monsters as quickly as can be done.”
Hero: “Thanks. But I meant it’s the army that’s bothering them…”

#OP
— Cave

*…STOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMP…*
Warrior: “ONWAAARD!”
*STOMPSTOMPSTOMP*
Martial Artist: “Hya-hahhh!”
*STOMPSTOMPSTOMP*
Thief: “Treasure!”
*STOMPSTOMPSTOMP…*

Hero: “Er… What’s going on here?”
Sage: “You sought the matter be resolved as quickly as possible, Hero.”
Hero: “Yeah, but is this gonna be okay? Just recklessly charging in?”
Sage: “There is no worry of the cave collapsing, if that is what you’re asking. …Ah.”
Hero: “Hm?”
Sage: “I just got a report. All monsters have now been cleared from the cave.”
Hero: “Hold on, what?! I didn’t do anything!”
Sage: “And yet there are no monsters in the cave. Or do you wish to pursue the ones that fled?”
Hero: “Well, no. But please refrain from such calamitous actions in the future…”
Sage: “Then I shall.”
Hero: “How did it come to this…”

#OP
— Overworld

*STOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMP…*
Hero: “The mayor didn’t seem very pleased.”
Sage: “Is that so? I felt he was brimming with joy.”
Hero: “I’m sure that was for a different reason.”
Sage: “So, where are we headed next?”
Hero: “Well, what’s the quickest route to the Dark Lord’s castle?”
Sage: “First, we shall obtain your heroic equipment at the Legendary Tower.”
Hero: “Already?”
Sage: “And then, it is off to the Dark Lord’s castle.”
Hero: “Whaaa?”
Sage: “We have nothing if not numbers, recall.”
Hero: “Any other routes would just be pitstops?”
Sage: “Indeed.”
Hero: “Geez… I guess we’ll go the shortest route, then.”

#OP
— Ship

Hero: “So, ignoring just about everything and going to the Legendary Tower. Are the other ships coming with us?”
Sage: “Yes, nine of them.”
Hero: “And suddenly we’re a navy…”
Sage: “A single battle fought with ten ships will multiply the normal experience by ten.”
Hero: “As if we need to get any stronger…”
Sage: “Give your attention to the warrior ship. It’s being octo-pulverized by a kraken.”
Hero: “Oh, that’s awful!”
Sage: “Give your attention to the sage ship. The kraken is taking concentrated fire and being roasted into a delicious meal.”
Hero: “Oh, that’s awful!”
Sage: “All have become stronger. This, too, is all thanks to your command, Hero.”
Hero: “Such achievements we’re making for it only being the third day…”
Sage: “Ah, I see it now. That is the Legendary Tower.”
Hero: “Which I’m sure we’ll handle in the blink of an eye…”

#OP
— Legendary Tower

Sage: “Sorry for the wait, Hero. The legendary sword, shield, and armor.”
Hero: “So instantaneous, yet such a letdown…”
Sage: “In other news, the tower is quite expansive, so it will likely serve to lodge us tonight.”
Hero: “Even though it’s a dungeon…?”
Sage: “I will ensure that things go swimmingly, and that all regulations are adhered to.”
Hero: “That’s some impressive work.”
Sage: “I am a sage, after all.”
Hero: “You’re really capable, huh?”
Sage: “Anything for the Hero.”
Hero: “Hey. Do you suppose I could step down from being a hero?”
Sage: “Oh, but you jest. Now, equip the legendary items.”
Hero: “I was sort of serious…”

#OP
Sage: “Hero, this tower has twelve floors in all.”
Hero: “I see. I didn’t know that, despite currently wearing the items from the very top floor.”
Sage: “As such, there are still a number of monsters wandering the tower.”
Hero: “Wait. And we’re still going to stay the night here?”
Sage: “Not to worry. All monsters surrounding the tower and up to the sixth floor have been annihilated.”
Hero: “Annihilated.”
Sage: “And by wandering, I mean monsters who are running around in terror.”
Hero: “Brutal.”
Sage: “Incidentally, while the Dark Lord’s castle is but a step away now, our levels are not quite sufficient.”
Hero: “A step away from the final dungeon after just two…”
Sage: “Liquid Metal Slimes appear in this tower. So now would be a good chance to level up.”
Hero: “Man, we’re gonna have this many people hunting Liquid Metal Slimes?”
Sage: “By the time the tower is fully completed, I estimate the troops will be at an average level of 30.”
Hero: “I’m not sure about your definition of “completed” anymore…”

#OP
A Liquid Metal Slime appeared!

Warrior: “There it is!”
Martial Artist: “Found ooooone!!”

> Fight *beep!*

Liquid Metal Slime’s attack! Warrior took 15 damage!

Thief’s attack! Miss!
Thief’s attack! Miss!
Thief’s attack!

Thief’s attack! Dealt 1 point of damage to Liquid Metal Slime!
Liquid Metal Slime was defeated!
Got lots of experience!

Warrior leveled up!
Cleric leveled up!
Sage leveled up!
Martial Artist leveled up!
Warrior leveled up!
Warrior leveled up!
Hero leveled up!
Mage leveled up! …

Hero: “I don’t recall attacking once this whole quest, and yet my levels keep going up…”

#OP
— Second Day Stationed at the Legendary Tower

Sage: “Hero. No monsters remain in the tower.”
Hero: “Once the Legendary Tower, now the Solitary Tower…”
Sage: “As predicted, the troops’ average level has gone up to 32.5.”
Hero: “The tower seems noisier, though… It’s full of shops now.”
Sage: “The merchants have decided to start a village here.”
Hero: “What’s that curtain for?”
Sage: “The martial artists greatly sought to hold a tournament.”
Hero: “Everyone’s doing what they want, huh…”
Sage: “Forgive me, but I did allow it. I felt it was more constructive than doing nothing.”
Hero: “But at this rate, it seems like half of them are going to stay behind…”
Sage: “Not so. They are all greatly looking forward to invading the Dark Lord’s castle.”
Hero: “Huh? ALL of them?”
Sage: “One hundred percent. Everyone wishes to come with you, Hero.”
Hero: “Why are they so unreasonably devoted…”

#OP
Sage: “Preparations to leave are at last complete… Hero, what are those wounds?”
Hero: “Er, I participated in the tournament in disguise. I lost in the third round…”
Sage: “Hero, if anything were to happen to you, it would be very troublesome. Your showdown with the Dark Lord is tomorrow, so please be more prudent.”
Hero: “Forgive me. I just didn’t want my first battle to be against the Dark Lord…”
Sage: “I suppose I had not considered that.”
Hero: “In fact, I don’t think I’ve seen any living monsters except Slimes, Stumpkins, and Liquid Metal Slimes.”
Sage: “That is because everyone is being brave for you.”
Hero: “Don’t you think that’s overkill?”
Sage: “It is strategic use of numbers. We should leave soon.”
Hero: “Yeah, we should.”

#OP
— Approaching the Dark Lord’s Castle

Sage: “At last, we have made it.”
Hero: “Just how much of the usual process did we skip…?”
Sage: “There is a ravine beyond that poison swamp. And towering high in the center of it is…”
Hero: “Our third dungeon.”
Sage: “Only sages and clerics can cast the spell to protect against the poison.”
Hero: “Huh? Then what are we going to do?”
Sage: “Those who cannot be protected will simply have to take the damage.”
Hero: “That’s no good! We should just cut our numbers.”
Sage: “There’s no need to do that. We have a large stock of Yggdrasil Dew.”
Hero: “Wow. Actually, what are our funds at?”
Sage: “Roughly 750 million G.”
Hero: “As much as that is, it makes me want to ask how we’ve spent that much…”
Sage: “We will make do.”
Hero: “I don’t know anything about prices…”

#2ch
Maybe this isn’t an RPG, but a strategy simulation?

#OP
— Poison Swamp

*blublublublublublublublub…*
Hero: “Is it okay?! Are you sure?!”
Sage: “We are fine with this float spell.”
Hero: “I meant those warriors and martial artists!”
Sage: “Yes. They are simply walking through it.”
Hero: “It’s just that I hear them screaming in agony… Are you SURE?”
Sage: “Perhaps we should use an item soon… Ah, someone has.”
Hero: “They look so relieved. Oh, back to pained faces again…”
Sage: “We shall keep this up until reaching the Dark Lord’s castle.”
Hero: “Incidentally, I don’t see any monsters…”
Sage: “We are nearing the castle now, so perhaps they have a plan. They may have fled.”
Hero: “Strange how likely that possibility is.”
Sage: “We have just confirmed a headcount of 10,002. Not a single one missing.”
Hero: “Welp…”

#OP
— Ravine

A horde of monsters has surrounded the Dark Lord’s castle.
Hero: “I thought the swamp would be the end of it, but then I see this…”
Sage: “Indeed, I supposed this may be the case.”
Hero: “How many do you figure there are?”
Sage: “According to the thieves’ intel -”
Hero: *th-thump…*
Sage: “They number at 850.”
Hero: “850! …And?”
Sage: “850 high-level monsters will no doubt fall to 10,000 troops at an average level of 35.”
Hero: “Don’t you have to consider the non-combatant merchants and clerics?”
Sage: “Indeed. Doing so, it puts our chances of victory within the realm of 90%.”
Hero: “90%… So this could be our hardest battle yet.”
Sage: “Indeed. Ready yourself.”
Hero: “Are you serious or not? I honestly can’t tell…”

#OP
Hero: “Frizz casters! GO!”
Mages and sages cast Frizz!
Hero: “Now, Crack casters! GO!”
Mages and sages cast Crack!
Hero: “So, what’s the point of this?”
Sage: “Frizz and Crack can be used to attack at long range.”
Hero: “But I wouldn’t think they’re very effective against high-level monsters…”
Sage: “Yes, but…”

The Frizz and Crack spells collided!
A brand new energy swept over the horde of monsters!!
“Archdemon took 350 points of damage “Silver Devil took 405 “Archdem “Great Dragon took “Silver “of damage “380 points

Hero: “Wha?! That’s more powerful than a Kaboom spell!”
Sage: “We have been keeping this in reserve. The enemy’s formation has collapsed, so now is our chance.”
Hero: “Man, there’s merit to a surprise attack too…”

#2ch
An attack of temperature extremes, huh…

#2ch
War is all about numbers.
Even if there are a few occasions where it’s good to have fewer Pikmin…

#OP
Hero: “Charge!”
Warriors: “HOOOOOHHHHH!!”
Martial Artists: “AHHHHHHHHHH!!”
*STOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMP…*
Merchants: “SHAAAAAHHH!!”
Thieves: “…..!!”
Mages (♂): “HYAAAAAHHH!!”
Clerics (♂): “CHAAAAAHHH!!”
*STOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMP…*
Hero: “Man, why is everyone so excited?”
Sage: “The men’s hearts are aflame to have finally come upon a battle worth calling such.”
Hero: “Huh? Were you able to pick that up from all the yelling?”
Sage: “We too should join the ecstatic dance of man and monster… Is that not right, Hero…?”
Hero: “You’re acting weird, Sage…”

#OP
“Cast Frizzle! “A satisfying blow! “Miss! “Cast Fullheal! “A disappointing blow!…”
Hero: “The battlefield’s total chaos…”
“The burning flame “Silver Dragon was defeated “A disappointing blow! “Used Yggdrasil Dew “Cast Oomph “! But the revival failed…”
Hero: “Saaage! Where are you?!”

Archdemon’s attack!!
Hero: “OW!!”
Hero took 10 points of damage!

Merchant’s attack! Archdemon took 45 points of damage!
Warrior’s attack! Archdemon took 286 points of damage!
Cleric’s attack! Archdemon took 15 points of damage!
Archdemon was defeated!

Hero: “Man, that hurt…”
Hero: “I’m beat already. Things are moving too fast for me to follow…”

#OP
The horde of monsters was defeated!

Warriors: “HUOHHHHHHHHHH”
Martial Artists: “SHAAAAAAAAAA”
Old Dudes: “ZOOOOOHHHHH”

Hero: “Everyone’s giving war cries… I guess it ended while I was just wandering around.”
Sage: “Hero, are you safe?!”
Hero: “Oh, Sage. Found you!”
Sage: “Hero… Hero, how many did you do in?!”
Hero: “Huh?”
Sage: “Amid the hectic action, I dealt… dealt the finishing blow on four monsters!!”
Hero: “Is that so?”
Sage: “Pant, pant!!”
Hero: “You, uh, wanna take a break?”
Sage: “Ha! Haha! Hero, once more you are a master of jokes!”
Hero: “No, I’m really thinking you should take a break.”

#OP
Sage: “I am myself again. Forgive me, I got very much caught up in the excitement.”
Hero: “Tell me if there’s anything you’re keeping bottled up, okay?”
Sage: “No need to worry. I believe I let all of that loose just now.”
Hero: “What’s the damage report?”
Sage: “Approximately 1200 casualties in the warriors, 1000 in the martial artists -”
Hero: “Some of them died?”
Sage: “Indeed, but everyone has been revived.”
Hero: “Yggdrasil Leaves, huh?”
Sage: “We retain half a year’s supply.”
Hero: “And Yggdrasil Dew?”
Sage: “Thanks to the dews, all members are now unhurt.”
Hero: “Anyone missing?”
Sage: “A report has just come in. None.”
Hero: “And the enemy is annihilated. At least looking at the end result, it was an overwhelming victory.”
Sage: “Indeed. A perfect game.”

#OP
— Castle Gate

Hero: “That guard boss looks super tough, but… already beaten.”
Sage: “As per usual.”
Hero: “So everyone’s gone inside?”
Sage: “Yes, as it appears the Dark Lord was rather considerate.”
Hero: “You mean there’s actually enough room for everyone?”
Sage: “While normally it would be helpful for sneak attacks, in this case it works against him.”
Hero: “Since we have over ten times the numbers of the Dark Lord’s army…”
Sage: “Incidentally, now would be a good time for an effective message to all troops from their Hero.”
Hero: “Couldn’t trying to raise morale at this point just backfire?”
Sage: “I expect the Dark Lord’s castle is laden with many traps. I cannot estimate the effect it will have on our army.”
Hero: “Can’t we have the thieves investigate?”
Sage: “They cannot deal with the powerful monsters alone.”
Hero: “So we have to overcome the traps with our numbers…”

#OP
Hero: “Alright everyone, listen up!”
*mumblemurmur…*
Hero: “We’ve finally made it. The Dark Lord we’re here to stop is just past this door!”
Warrior AZQ: “Gasp…!”
Martial Artist XA: “Ohhh!”
Sage: “Remain quiet! Go on, Hero.”
Hero: “Er… There’s just one thing I want to tell you all.”
Hero: “We’re all coming back alive. Don’t let a single person go. Because… life is sacred!”
Warriors: “…woooooOOOOOOOOOO!!”
Martial Artists: “YAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!”
Merchants: “HAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!”
Thieves: “HYOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!!”
Hero: “L-Life is sacred!”
Mages: “YEAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!”
Clerics: “HEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!”
Sages: “WA-HAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!”
Hero: “You understand that, right? So… don’t let any life be lost!!”
Sage: “Excellent, Hero. You have greatly boosted morale with just one line.”

#OP
*rumble…*
*STOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMP*

Warriors: “MAAAAARCH!”
Martial Artists: “MONSTERS!! HOO-YAH!!”
Thieves: “TREASURE!”

Hero: “Er, is this okay?”
Sage: “As I thought, many powerful monsters were lying in wait.”
Hero: “How many?”
Sage: “Well, there aren’t any anymore. They’ve all perished before a mass of well-equipped soldiers, and pumped-up ones at that.”
Hero: “About how many people just rushed in there?”
Sage: “We have about 2000 here acting as your bodyguards. So, approximately 8000.”
Hero: “I don’t even understand this anymore…”
Sage: “Note that very few of these remaining guards are warriors or martial artists. Those are a very hotblooded bunch.”
Hero: “I’m wondering if they misheard “life is sacred” or what.”
Sage: “We should head on as well.”
Hero: “Supposedly we’re invading the Dark Lord’s castle, but it feels more like we’re returning triumphant…”

#2ch
If they used a Sage’s Stone, the messages would go on for an hour…

#OP
— Grand Hall

Dark Lord’s Aide: “Hoohoo… Foolish humans! Your attacks and spells will be to no avail. Only the legendary equipment -”

Warrior’s attack! Dealt 1 point of damage to Aide!
Warrior’s attack! Dealt 1 point of damage to Aide!
Martial Artist’s attack! A satisfying blow! Dealt 1 point of damage to Aide!
Thief’s attack! Miss!
Warrior’s attack! Dealt 1 point of damage to Aide!
Mage’s attack! Miss!
Warrior’s attack! Dealt 1 point of damage to Aide!
Warrior’s attack! Dealt 1 point of damage to Aide!

One turn later…

Aide: “O-Outrageous… Such numbers…!”

Warrior’s attack! Dealt 1 point of damage to Aide!
Cleric’s attack! Dealt 1 point of damage to Aide!
Thief’s attack! Dealt 1 point of damage to Aide!

Merchant’s attack! Dealt 1 point of damage to Aide!
“GWOOOOOHHHHH!”
Aide was defeated!
Warrior’s attack! Dealt 1 point of damage to Aide!
Martial Artist’s attack! A satisfying blow! Dealt 1 point of damage to Aide! …

#2ch
At least switch to “Miss!”, geez…

#OP
Hero: “How’s the battle going?”
Sage: “The Dark Lord has many sneaky, unfair traps set throughout the castle.”
Hero: “How bad is it getting?”
Sage: “No one has died yet. Of course, it’s not a problem if anyone does.”
Hero: “Because of the Yggdrasil Leaves?”
Sage: “We possess three for each person. And five Dews for each.”
Hero: “So… do we even need the clerics?”
Sage: “They have spells to heal status effects. Additionally, they know Woosh to increase firepower.”
Hero: “I see. Sorry for bothering you.”
Sage: “Ah. It seems they’ve just defeated a monster that was likely an aide to the Dark Lord.”
Hero: “Even as we get to the end, the reports just keep coming at the same rate…”
Sage: “All that remains now is the throne room door.”
Hero: “You told them to do that? Thanks for leaving me something to do.”
Sage: “Ah, no, I think you misunderstand. The Dark Lord will require your power, Hero.”
Hero: “I’m not sure if you’re telling the truth or not…”

#OP
— Grand Hall

Warrior: “Ah! The Hero!”
Martial Artist: “Hero! Hurry, hurry!”
Hero: “The hall’s packed tight with our allies…”
Sage: “I have had them line up along the sides of the carpet to the throne room.”
Hero: “Hey… Where are we?”
Sage: “In the grand hall at the very top of the Dark Lord’s castle.”
Hero: “Thought so. Sorry, just thought I’d ask.”
Cleric: “Herooooo!”
Thief: “*whistle*”
Sage: “HERO HERO HERO HERO HERO!”
Hero: “I feel like I’ve become the leader of some cult…”
Sage: “You have a hero’s charisma. If you wish to describe the results of such that way, then certainly.”
Hero: “This is the door to the throne room?”
Sage: “Indeed. Any who dare to open it have been and will be punished by Frizzle-ing.”
Hero: “O-Oh, so that’s why the burn marks…”

#2ch
Every time Hero says something, everyone gets so excited…

#OP
*creeeak…*
Dark Lord: “Hero! So you’ve finally made it this far…”
Hero: “Dark Lord!”
Dark Lord: “Fight me with outrageously unfair numbers if you will… We will never yield to you humans!!”
Warrior: “Shut it, Dark Lord!” *booooo*
Martial Artist: “I’ll kick you good!” *booooo*
Mage: “Go to hell, Dark Lord!!” *booooo*
Dark Lord: “Even if I am defeated here… I shall show you the pride of our people!”
Merchant: “You’re pathetic, Dark Lord!” *booooo*
Cleric: “Cut the speeches, Dark Lord!” *booooo*
Sage: “Get outta here!” *out-ta here!*
Hero: “Um, Sage? I’m kinda starting to lose determination.”
Sage: “What could you be saying? Indeed, the Dark Lord is very powerful, but to fear him is not very heroic.”
Hero: “That’s not what I meant at ALL, but… whatever.”
Dark Lord: “Come, Hero!!” *booooo! booooo!*
Hero: “Let’s do this, Dark Lord!!” *yeaaaah, wooooo!*

#OP
Hero: “Hyaaaaah!”
Hero’s attack! A satisfying blow! Dealt 858 points of damage to Dark Lord!
Sage: “Now, everyone, follow the Hero!”
Hero: “Huh?”

\ HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO /

Thief’s attack! Dealt 30 points of damage to the Dark Lord!
Thief’s attack! Dealt 29 points of damage to the Dark Lord!
Thief’s attack! Dealt 33 points of damage to the Dark Lord!
Thief’s attack! Dealt 19 points of damage to the Dark Lord!
Thief’s attack! Dealt 37 points of damage to the Dark Lord!
Thief’s attack! Dealt 25 points of damage to the Dark Lord!
Thief’s attack! Dealt 29 points of damage to the Dark Lord!
Thief’s attack! Dealt 22 points of damage to the Dark Lord!
Thief’s attack! Dealt 18 points of damage to the Dark Lord!

Thief’s attack! Dealt 20 points of damage to the Dark Lord!
Thief’s attack! Dealt 24 points of damage to the Dark Lord!
Dark Lord was defeated!

Dark Lord: “GWAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Hero: “Huh…?”
Army: “HUHHH?!”

#2ch
Didn’t even get the finishing blow…

#2ch
That Thief shall be punished by Kafrizzing.

#OP
Hero: “Hey, hold on a second! He’s gotta have a final form or something, right?”
Warrior: “Dammit, Dark Lord! I didn’t even get to attack you yet!”
Martial Artist: “Get back up and FIGHT!!”
Dark Lord: “Curse you humans…! Even if my body shall rot away…”
Warrior: “Aha! He’s still breathing!!”
Martial Artist: “Now’s my chance!!”

Warrior’s attack! Dealt 148 points of damage to Dark Lord!
Martial Artist’s attack! A satisfying blow! Dealt 202 points of damage to Dark Lord!
Warrior’s attack! Dealt 152 points of damage to Dark Lord!
Warrior’s attack! Dealt 160 points of damage to Dark Lord!

Hero: “Hey! Stop! STOP!”

Warrior’s attack! Martial Artist’s attack! Cleric’s attack!



Sage: “You’ve done it, Hero.”
Hero: “Man, I don’t even want to look at that. I couldn’t even make out his last words…”

#2ch
Not sure who the bad guy is anymore…

#2ch
An army of ten thousand that keeps coming back even when you kill them is beyond frightening.

#2ch
If this were Final Fantasy, the HP would be in the 100,000s, so it’d probably work out better.
But in Dragon Quest…

#2ch
What’re these guys gonna do when the quest is over…?

#OP
And so the Dark Lord was beaten, and peace came upon the world once more…

— Triumphant Return at the Castle

*yeahhhhh! wooooo!*
Hero: “Sage… What exactly was my role here?”
Sage: “Without an initial attack from the legendary sword, the Dark Lord would have been invincible.”
Hero: “How so? What would happen otherwise?”
Sage: “One could only deal 1 point of damage to him.”
Hero: “Couldn’t that still have worked?”
Sage: “That may be possible.”
Hero: “Man, so you DON’T need a hero!” *straight man*
Sage: “Eek!”
Hero: “I like it when your voice goes girly like that.”
Sage: “Please be serious, Hero.”
Hero: “Man, I don’t even know anymore…”
Sage: “Now, we are almost to the king. Let us go.”
Hero: “Man, I don’t even know anymore…”

#2ch
Wait, Sage was a girl…? Well then.

#OP
— King’s Room

King: “Hero! You’ve defeated the Dark Lord in just half a month!”
Hero: “Forgive me, your majesty, but it was all thanks to your support. I did… nothing at all, really.”
King: “Even if that is true, your leadership qualities cannot be denied.”
Hero: “If it’s leadership you’re commending, give your thanks to Sage.”
King: “Ah, my daughter?”
Hero: “Huh?”
Sage: “I have returned, father!”
Hero: “Huh?”
King: “You’ve become a fine woman…”
Princess: “Father. In truth, I’ve found myself charmed by the Hero on this quest.”
King: “I see… If you seek him as your partner, then it shall be so.”
Princess: “Hero! Will you marry me?”
Hero: “Sure.”
Hero: “Just do what you like, okay? Geez.”

#2ch
Just do what you like, he says…

#2ch
Well, that’s a happy ending, I suppose…

#2ch
This, I was not expecting.

#2ch
Sending your own daughter to take the lead, king? I suppose it was the right choice, though…

#2ch
ROFL. Hero just wins at everything.

#2ch
10,002 people at an average level of 32.5, so…
Assuming the “dadadada-da-da-daaah” level up jingle is three seconds long, that’s 975,195 seconds of it playing.

270 hours, 53 minutes, and 15 seconds…

[This math isn’t quite right; they forgot to subtract 10,002 levels to account for Level 1 not counting as a level up.
It should be 945,189 seconds, or 262 hours, 33 minutes and 9 seconds.]

#2ch
^ This is somehow very frightening.

#2ch
^ Even if everyone’s level up jingles played at the same time, that’s still pretty scary.

#2ch
Things Hero did on this quest:

Participated in the martial artists’ tournament and lost in round three.
Got the troops pumped before the showdown with the Dark Lord.
Disabled the Dark Lord’s invincibility with the legendary equipment.
Made Sage (Princess) fall for him, somehow.

How will people tell this story…?

#2ch
If they finished in half a month, then the actual adventure was shorter than the level up jingles.

#OP
— Wedding

“Long live the Hero!”
“Long live the new king!”
“Long live King Hero!”

Hero: “What is a hero…?”
Princess: “I’m so happy…” *smooch*
Hero: “What makes a hero?”
Princess: “Ah! Our allies are outside the castle.”
Hero: “All 10,000 of them…”
Princess: “Yes, not one missing. Everyone is happily waving to us.”
Hero: “There’s so many, I couldn’t really tell…”
Princess: “Well, shall we go greet them in person?”
Hero: “Huh?”

#2ch
And so the 10,000 Handshakes begin…

#2ch
If ten thousand people gave them a rice shower…

#2ch
^ PERISH AMONG THE RICE

#OP
Warrior: “Congratulations, Hero!” “Hero “Congratulations, Hero!” Hero!” Cleric: “Congrat” “atulations, Hero”
Martial Artist: “Long live the “the hero!” the hero!” Merchant: “Congrats!” Martial Artist: “Fight me, Her “gratulations
ulations!” Thief: “Sorry for taking the finishing “Congratulations “Long live!” Mage: “You’re amazing, Hero! “” Merchant: “money”
“Congratulations!” Warrior: “Congratulations, Hero!” “Long live “Long live the hero “live” “grats” gratulations!”

Hero: “This is neverending…!”
Princess: “All shall pass down stories of your heroism for generations.”
Hero: “What do you suppose the new King Hero should do next?”
Princess: “Learn to use an abacus.”
Hero: “Huh?”
Princess: “First, we must accumulate our assets.”
Hero: “Huh?”
Princess: “My grandfather was a hero, too. These reliable methods have saved the world for generations.”
Hero: “Huh?”
Princess: “Now, let us get back to the castle. Hee… it sure is nice out today.”

END

#2ch
A King Hero is born…

#2ch
Good job! I guess the part after he’s king is gonna be harder…

#2ch
Merchant: “money”
This guy…

#2ch
>Thief: “Sorry for taking the finishing

At least he’s sorry…

#2ch
This was your compassion-for-the-Dark-Lord thread for the day.

#2ch
Forget about all that, isn’t Yggdrasil gonna dry up with all that dew they’re taking?

#2ch
Good job!

The moral: With money, you can do anything.

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 Post subject: Re: [I LOL'D] King: “Let’s get serious about the Dark Lord.” Her
PostPosted: Fri Nov 30, 2012 6:28 pm 
Lieutenant Major
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merchant wrote:
money


he sounds so sincere

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 Post subject: Re: [I LOL'D] King: “Let’s get serious about the Dark Lord.” Her
PostPosted: Fri Nov 30, 2012 9:41 pm 
Lieutenant Major
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i became the dark lord on dark souls

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